It was early on following my diagnosis and I had been unwell for some time. I had been in hospital and had been put on a new drug to try and settle things down. I was feeling really good for the first time in a long while. My partner and I were going to a ball, and I had splashed out and bought a fantastic dress that I would probably never wear again and would be paying off for months to come. I just wanted to go, feel great and look fantastic.  I wanted to be a normal person for just a few hours.I was having a great time when all of a sudden it hit.  I had to make a mad rush for the bathroom.  I didn’t think I was going to make it. I rushed in the door of the bathroom and it was filled with young glamorous girls doing their make-up, checking hair and gossiping amongst themselves. With the door of the toilet closed I tried as hard as I could to hang on. I remember repeating the words over and over in my head; please, please, not here, not now. I was biting the inside of my cheeks to try and stop the inevitable from happening until everyone had left the bathroom  – there was no hope, you have no control.

You don’t need me to tell you the kind of disgusting noises that go along with chronic diarrhoea. I was horrified.  There was a short silence and then the laughter. I’ll never forget it, first slowly and then louder and louder. I felt ten years old again, scared and very very small. So you do what you have to do - you clean yourself up as best you can, wipe away the tears and wait for the place to clear out and then leave.  I remember walking out of the bathroom; a group of three girls were standing close by, just waiting to see who it was -  and again the laughter. My partner was close by and was on to that fact that something was wrong. He took my hand and I whispered to him to get me out of there. I didn’t need to say anything else.  We jumped in a cab and he handed me a tissue. I had blood on my mouth; I had bitten the inside of both my cheeks until they had bled.

Sarah